What Are Those Things?

One of the most interesting earthlings the R.A. knows is his uncle.  They do this mind meld thing where his uncle bows his head and the R.A., from wherever he is, trots over to him and then they press their foreheads together.  His uncle currently lives on the West Coast and after six months returned home for a visit.  We were all a bit curious about how the R.A. would respond to him after such a long absence.  When his uncle entered the house the R.A. was in another room.  But the R.A. heard him, raced into the kitchen, and they mind melded. The R.A. was quite excited and yowled in delight.  I think it roughly translated into, "Thank the Kitchen God you are here!  I've been dying of boredom!  I can't wait to be entertained by you, you fascinating creature!"  As far as the mind melding thing goes,  I would say that there is an exchange of information going on but I don't know how large a deposit my brother has in his brain.  Surely it must be depleted by now.

The new thing after the mind meld is an examination of sorts.  After a bit of mind melding,  the R.A. then pokes his fingers over his uncle's hair deficient head.  Then the R.A. takes his fingers and runs them through his own crew cut.  He wears an expression that says, "Hmmm.  Very interesting." This is  repeated  several times.  Next the R.A. explores his uncle's very robust eyebrows.  Following a thorough exam the R.A. then touches his own rather paltry-by-comparison eyebrows.  At this point he visually appraises his uncle's eyebrows, his expression reading, "What is up with those?"  The R.A. appears very confused by the lack of hair on his uncle's head and the surplus of hair on his eyebrows.  It's like he's thinking, "Isn't that backwards?"

The examination of his uncle's eyebrows has re-ignited an interest in eyebrows in general and the R.A. has taken to studying pretty much any set he can get his chubby fingers on.  We have concluded that there are no such things as eyebrows on the home planet.  As the R.A. also has sporadic interest in arm hair we wonder if there is no such thing as body hair in general on the home planet.  So apparently they are a ferocious but clean shaven people.  I'm picturing Sphynx cats wearing helmets. 

The R.A. at rest after the invasion of earth - his father/man servant is the one taking the photo after which he resumes arranging his master's nuggets and fries.  (The Mommy Lady has been vaporized - at least she hopes to the Kitchen God she has been.)

Teeth also are of desultory curiosity for the R.A.  If the spirit moves him, he will attempt to study the teeth of whatever poor slob is within his arm's reach.  And no, it doesn't matter if the poor slob's mouth is full of food at the moment the R.A. gets a hankering for some teeth work.  Word of advice - at the first onset of the impromptu oral check up we recommend spitting the food out as opposed to choking on it.  Choking does not halt the dental inspection. In fact, the R.A. will regard the choking as an act of insubordination.

If a person is lucky, the R.A.'s sister is within arm's length as she possesses his favorite teeth.  The R.A.'s examination of her teeth is quite thorough.  It's almost as if he is tracking the progress of them- "Why yes, those bottom ones are coming in nicely.  Now let's see what is happening with that bicuspid."   I think her teeth are of particular interest as her oral situation is ever changing.  Teeth are coming and going at all hours of the day and night.  It's like some sort of dental serial - "Will Sissy's front tooth be in by Christmas?  Will the dentist cap her back left molar?  Tune in next time, for only the R.A. knows (and Sissy's dentist)!"

This keen interest in teeth also makes me wonder if perhaps, like Hermie the Elf, the R.A., groomed to be the fiercest of intergalactic warmongers, harbors a secret dental desire - "The R.A. wants to be a dentist!"

I've Got the Music in Me (or Maybe On Me)

Lately, life has been even more challenging for the R.A.  As we've started his new food program, we've taken away one of his few pleasures in life - his beloved McD fries and nuggets.  It also has not been exactly a barrel of laughs for the rest of us either.  The R.A. spends much of his limited free time following us around demanding "Feh fies."  He's so desperate that he's even resorted to being nice about it, adopting a Precious Moments expression and asking in a soft voice, "Feh fies?  Feh fies?"  It's really rather pathetic, like something out of a special needs Oliver Twist.  It is sad to see the once mighty war monger so terribly reduced to borderline use of good manners.  It's akin to Genghis Khan saying, "Pardon me" after beheading someone just for the fun of it.  It's not natural.

Car trips, long or short, have also been affected.  Anytime we pass a McD the R.A. keens mightily and presses his hands and face against the window.  My husband says it reminds him of one of those Garfield car window ornaments but "yowlier."

The whole situation is extremely distressing for the R.A.  To relieve the stress he has devised a new "stim."  The R.A. has occasionally covered his ears with his hands when assaulted with displeasing noises or even more displeasing edicts from his caregivers.  He has now expanded this action to create what we delicately refer to as "ear farts."  The R.A. takes his hands that are covering his ears and presses them on and off his ears, rather quickly thus formulating the fart sounds.  For someone with such dainty ears he can really rock it.  Dopes that we are, it took us a while to catch on.  We just thought he was having a bit of a bout with gas.  Of course we finally cracked the case in the middle of lunch at a restaurant and proceeded to howl with laughter which only caused the poor R.A. to engage in what can only be described as the "speed metal" equivalent of ear farts.  I think his tag line for ear farts is, "When simply blocking out the noise isn't enough."

Perhaps the R.A. is on to something.  We should get him on those Sunday morning political round table programs.  After someone like the Speaker of the House (John Boehner) pontificates about why it's so darn important to give tax breaks to the uber wealthy, George Stephanopoulos can then turn and say, "Let's hear what the R.A. thinks of that."  And the R.A. will then ear fart for Britain or maybe in this case ear fart for America (I can totally see that on a bumper sticker - "I Ear Fart for America.")

We will have to be careful regarding when and where the R.A. engages in his ear fart symphonies.  For example, it would be quite embarrassing for him to let loose when Fr. Carlos announces a second collection at Mass.

As that great sage, Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker, "With great power comes great responsibility."