Olympic Fever

Like most people, the R.A. is also suffering from "Olympic Fever."  We discovered the R.A.'s interest in the games of the 30th Olympiad when we noticed him watching the events with great attentiveness despite the fact that there was no ticker tape scrolling across the bottom of the screen.  He has two favorite Olympic viewing positions:

1. Jumping up and down in front of the television, yowling, while intermittently flapping his hands and flicking the TV screen
2. Sitting quietly on the couch, so absorbed in the action that he momentarily forgets his disdain for earthling protocol and thus looks like a "regular" earth person at repose, as opposed to his usual R.A. self

The R.A.'s favorite events, in no particular order are:
1. Platform diving
2. Springboard diving
3. Gymnastics

Whether jumping or sitting, the events hold the R.A.'s rapt attention and he thoroughly dislikes being interrupted while watching the Olympics.  When I do have the galling temerity to interfere with his viewing he snaps in Yowlish at me.  In English it roughly translates to: "For Kitchen God's sake, woman, zip it!  Can't you see I'm busy? I'm trying to understand this guy's technique for throwing himself off the diving platform.  How do you expect me to duplicate the same move from the top of the china cabinet?  You're so needy!  Take your own damn allergy medicine!"

We have determined that the R.A.'s engrossment in the Olympics is not in the interest of entertainment.  It's mayhem research.

During the Olympics there's been this one commercial that they've been airing about U.S. gymnast, Jonathan Horton. In the ad the narrator tells the story about how when Jonathan was four years old he climbed to the ceiling of a department store so his parents got him gymnastics lessons.  Every time my husband and I see that commercial we shudder.  We can't help think what it would have been like if we got "formal" gymnastics lessons for the R.A.  Wouldn't that be like giving the Green Goblin access to the Bat Lair?  Yes, I'm mixing my comics, but you get my point - don't empower someone with already freakishly potent skills.  I could see the television commercials for the R.A.:

When the R.A. was four years old, after two weeks of formal gymnastics training, he scaled the side of his house while clutching his sister's pet fish between his toes.  After one month of formal gymnastics training the R.A. absconded to Paris and was found dangling from the Eiffel Tower from one foot while clutching his sister's replacement fish in his other foot and demanding chips and juice from his father.

 I've been thinking about what the Olympics must be like on the home planet.  I'm sure quite different from earth competitions.  Remember - those people are like ancient Spartans on steroids but not as gentle, easy going or pleasant.  I'm pretty certain that there are no silver or bronze medals.  On the home planet there are no medals for "almost winning."  I would also bet that the losers do not go home in shame because as soon as they lose events they are beheaded.  There is no, "We'll get them next time" on the home planet.

Here are some events that I imagine make up the home planet competition:

1. Chinning: Refer to the entry, "Chin Chin Cheroo" for a description of this event.

2. Toe Jumping: Like earthling running events, Toe Jumpers could compete against each other for endurance (like distance runners) or speed (like sprinters.) -

WM476@#% is the reigning galactic toe jumping champion.  He took the event at the last Intergalactic Games.  All eyes are on him, seeing if he can pull off a repeat performance.  I guess we need to ask, how badly does he not want to be beheaded?

We should note that *!n74400X^ missed the last Galaxy Games due to a freak training accident during which she ricocheted into the training television that she was simultaneously flapping in front of.  

3. Hand Flapping/Finger Flicking: As with our earthling gymnastics, I would think these events would be based on judges' scores of performance and technique -

He is attempting a very daring "Flap-Flap-Triple Flick-Flap-Flick-Flap.  This is where we will see just how good his technique is.  Only one other athlete, ^^@,?0023B, has attempted such a move in competition and as we all know, he ended up with two sprained wrists which I'm sure didn't seem so painful once they lopped his head off.

That was a very innovative routine.  Now we will see if the judges appreciated her incorporation of an inverted Flick-Flick-Tap.  Perhaps it's just too avant-garde.

4. Large Gourd Wrangling: Refer to the entry, "Trick or Trick" for a description of this event.

One thing's for sure, the closing ceremony must be really brief because there probably aren't very many athletes left.  Bloody but brief.