Holiday Funk

I haven't written in a while because a plague has gone through our house.  It started a couple of weeks before Christmas and as with most illnesses that strike our home, is traced back to our very own R.A. also affectionately known as "Patient Zero."  I don't know if it's because of his alien physiological makeup but we very rarely get run of the mill viruses - runny nose, cough, maybe a fever.  It's always something that seems like the Influenza Pandemic of 1918 but not as mild.  Initially I thought the illnesses were always worse because the alien R.A. has sensitivities to our earth atmosphere.  Remember how in "War of the Worlds" the Martians were felled by plain old human germs?  However, following the past few epidemics that have ravaged my family I'm thinking it's actually reversed - in reality the R.A. is attempting to use germ warfare on us.  Unfortunately for him, although we are an agonizingly stupid people we are quite robust and manage to recuperate from whatever his contagion du jour.

The R.A. has been on vacation this week.  This means he has had a lot more free time to devote to his various hobbies such as jumping up and down in front of the television while flicking the screen with his fingers and loudly caterwauling; teetering around the edges of our china cabinet on tip-toes while brandishing the Stick of Infamy; creating wall art masterpieces in crayon and Sharpie marker.  He has been having a wonderful time. Us, not so much.

Here are some Christmas vacation low-lights:

An Homage to Tito Puente
The Stick of Infamy II is back and louder than ever.  Although the R.A. still utilizes it in a "Mussolini" fashion i.e. furiously waving it around while harshly reprimanding us for whatever our recent failures, ever the innovator, he has discovered another use for it.  The R.A. has determined that he does in fact have the rhythm in him and the SOI is his instrument.  His impromptu concerts consist of him repeatedly whacking the floor with the SOI.  Some of the pieces are purely instrumental while on others he adds energetic vocals.  The concerts primarily take place during times that his grandmother is trying to sleep.  Despite being somewhat cacophonous, my husband and I are concert fans as it means the R.A. is engaged in an activity that is neither death defying nor involving permanent markers.  My mother is not a fan and therefore wrangled the SOI from the R.A. and deposited it into her bedroom.  A couple of days following this incredible act of defiance the R.A. paid a visit to his grandmother in her bedroom.  He was very sweet and affectionate.  After the R.A. left the room my mother discovered that he had swiped the SOI.  He is our own Mata Hari with freckles and outrageous cowlicks.


Another favorite concert spot is standing on top of our convection oven which is located on top of a table in our kitchen.  For these concerts the R.A. is a conductor using the SOI as a baton, directing an unseen orchestra who apparently are not very good, based on the amount of yelling he does during the program.

I Am Master of All I Survey (as Well as All That I Don't)
Apparently everything that the R.A. is currently interested in is located on high shelves or cabinets.  They are also things that my husband and I cannot fetch for the R.A. quickly enough as we are goofing off doing things like laundry or taking a shower.  Never one to let the grass grow under his feet (partially due to allergies), the R.A. then takes it upon himself to get what he wants.  Sometimes this involves complicated feats of engineering like dragging 24 packs of diet Coke across the room and using them to construct make shift ladders to scale the stove to reach the cabinets over the stove.  When a man needs Snoopy gummies he will apparently stop at nothing.  So much for putting snacks in hard to reach locations.

Give Me Liberty or Give Me Lollies
The freedom of vacation is transferring to the R.A.'s desire to be liberated from his clothing.  In addition to having to closely monitor him to keep him from climbing convection ovens or decorating the living room walls with crayon, we have discovered that any time the R.A. is left unattended he removes all of his clothing.  For some reason his preferred "undressing" room is the stairway that goes from the first to the second floor.  As a result, the R.A. has spent the later part of his vacation sporting backwards and footie-less footie pajamas.  (And rockin' the look as always.)  We are only dressing him in pants and a shirt if we are going out.  We still have two days left of vacation so that could change too.

We will have to see how our remaining days go.  I fully anticipate his Grand Finale will involve scaling the roof or hot wiring his father's car.  While dressed in backwards and footie-less footie pajamas, of course.