(Kitchen) God Bless Us Everyone

Those who regularly read this blog know that I am a person of faith.  Most days I survive on a wing and a prayer.  I pray pretty much all day long - "Christ on a Cross, give me strength! Get down from that china cabinet!"  "Suffering Mother of Jesus!  Get off that easel!"  "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, get off the microwave!"  I am a very prayerful person.  Just ask the neighbors.

My faith is an important part of my life and that of my family.  My daughter has attended Catholic school since she was three years old.  Not that you could tell by observing her.  Even now, despite all these years of Catholic schooling, nightly prayers, and weekly Mass, she still comes across as borderline pagan.  I swear, every time we enter church and go to the pew she scoots right in.  Hissing I drag her out by her collar and make her genuflect.  She looks at me with an expression that says, "Really?  Genuflecting?  Is this something new?"  One time at Communion she was so discombobulated that the priest looked at me and said, "Has she not made her First Communion?"  I stammered, "Yes, she has."  He asked, "Recently?"  Stammering even more I replied, "Two years ago."  He shook his head, shrugged, and gave her Communion.  Mind you, this all happened in the midst of the Communion line. It caused such a delay that there was actual rubber-necking from other parishioners.  For those of you not Catholic, this is very unusual.  The Communion line is a beast of efficiency, probably because it was originally created by and monitored by nuns.  There is no shilly shallying in God's House, Mr. Man/Lady Jane.*

The R.A., despite belonging to a different faith (The Church of the Kitchen God, Reformed) does enjoy attending Catholic church. He seems to get a real boot out of it: "There's no hanging from the ceiling by your toes, but it's okay."   We attend the C.C.D. (religious ed.) Mass so there is always a lot of action.  The never ending parade of kids to and from the bathroom is a particular source of R.A. amusement.  His little head snaps from the left and right as the kids go up and down the aisle.  Sometimes he will flap in excitement, "Oh!  There's that kid!  I think it's his third time!  I love him!  Look at him go! And go! And go!"

The R.A.  also enjoys the music at church.  We've got one of those ancient monster organs that's so loud you can't hear the choir over it (not always a bad thing.)  Come to think of it, the R.A. probably  likes the organ because it sounds like it's yowling.  If they have dragons on the home planet, I'm guessing they sound like our organ but hopefully not as asthmatic.  The R.A. is a particular fan of the organist whose vocal stylings are akin to Marlene Dietrich in "Blue Angel".  One of these days I'm sure we'll glance up to the choir loft and see the organist draped over the organ, caterwauling his heart out while clutching a white rose.  It's  R.A. Soul Music.

This being Lent, they have increased church time at my daughter's school.  Thankfully this appears to have made her more reflective about her faith.  Yesterday I arrived home from work and she greeted me at the door, announcing much as I would imagine a Barrymore would, "Tonight I shall be performing a holy play because it is Holy Thursday."**

After dinner my mother and I got ourselves settled in the living room while my daughter set up for the holy play.  I figured the R.A., recognizing our preoccupation, would take it as an opportunity to climb all sorts of unsuitable things.  Surprisingly, he too settled himself in the living room.  I think he sensed something was going on and was curious.  The R.A. tends to be especially interested in anything involving his sister.

Now, lacking funding, materials, and time, this was definitely an off, off, off, off, off, waayyy off Broadway production.  It wasn't so much a play as a puppet show and even for a puppet show it was affected by lack of funding, materials, and time.  The cast was made up of a variety of animal finger puppets and random small toys - Pontius Pilate was played by a Sir Topham Hatt bubble whistle figurine and because of production challenges he also played the role of Simon the Cyrene.  And in a very ava`nt garde move, a plastic chicken inhabited the part of a Roman Centurion, and who, despite his short and plump stature, performed admirably.  Mike, the zebra finger puppet, was Jesus.  His Messiah was a mixture of solemn and pious and striped.  A small green plastic tennis racket served as the cross.

And so began one of the most creative performances of the "Stations of the Cross" ever staged.  Despite the unorthodox actors, it was quite good.  I was very impressed because my daughter knew each station by heart.  True, sometimes one of the characters would inadvertently tip over (not that chicken centurion!) but she did an extraordinary job of conveying the story of Christ's Passion and Death.  Not only did she convince me that she was a Christian but a Catholic Christian.  Amen!  Alleluia!

The show was so good we did have a curtain call.  The chicken got the most applause and forever after, no Passion Play will ever be the same if it doesn't include a chicken.  How could it?

I had expected the R.A. to lose interest within the first eleven seconds of the show.  Amazingly he remained seated and quiet during the entire performance.  I think he was waiting to see what his sister was going to do with his Sir Topham Hat whistle figurine.

The R.A. sat off to the side and therefore gave the show sidelong glances.  His expression was one that said, "What the hell is this about?  I mean seriously.  What's going on here?"  A couple of times we caught him shaking his head as if to say, "Man, this is messed up.  And they think I'm the weird one.   I really don't get their attachment to her.  What do they see in her?  I would have vaporized her a long time ago.  The only thing saving her is that I really like her stuff."

I think the reason the R.A. didn't bolt is that he couldn't.  It was like a car crash for him - even though it was gory and horrible, he couldn't look away.  Although, as my mother pointed out, technically the R.A. did look away as, because of the autism, he couldn't look directly at the show but rather watched out of the corner of his eye.  But he got enough of a gander to know he was a cocktail of bemused and horrified - bemified if you will.

The whole experience took a lot out of the R.A.  After the curtain call he let out a huge yawn and announced, "Night night time."  Before heading up to bed the R.A. did rescue Sir Topham Hatt from the curtain call.  I have not seen the figurine since. Apparently his understudy will fill in for future performances.

*Monikers of contempt habitually used by Catholic school nuns back in the day

**We actually have a history of of liturgical drama in my family.  Years ago, during Holy Week,  my then three year old brother came home from Catholic nursery school.  He and my mother were in the kitchen, my brother playing with his plush Mickey Mouse.  My mother watched him manipulate Mickey's arms and legs.  My brother turned to my mother and said very solemnly, "You know, they nailed Mickey to the cross."  And sure enough, he had arranged Mickey a la crucifixion.

Get in Shape! Or Else!

Have you tried everything to lose weight?  Have you tried every fad diet and every fad exercise program that comes down the pike but still can't shed those pesky pounds?  The R.A. understands that a trim figure is not only pleasing to the eye but it also allows one to wriggle out of one's backless/footie-less pajamas through the neck hole.  How many times in the past couple of months have you needed to wriggle out of those jammies and been unable to?  Then the R.A.'s "You Are Worthless and Weak Even By Your Species Pathetic Substandard Standards" exercise program is for you!  This untested and unsubstantiated program is not guaranteed to help you lose weight but will make you less of a loser in the R.A.'s eyes.  Okay, it really won't make you less of a loser in the R.A.'s eyes but nothing short of admitting that you are a waste of precious oxygen and then committing harikari with a Dum Dum is ever going to improve your status in his eyes.  And even then he'll probably declare you've done it wrong and yowl in disgust over you, finger flicking in your face as you take your last gasps.

Like any despot worth his Pringles, the R.A. is a staunch advocate of physical fitness - in the quaint body punishing Soviet Union women's gymnastics team sort of way.  In order to be prepared for the Invasion, he's got to keep himself in tip top shape.  With this in mind he's always challenging himself physically and recently created a new workout regime. If you are losing the Battle of the Bulge, you might want to take notes.

The R.A. is also an incredible multi-tasker and has combined this workout with meal time.  So not only does he get one heck of a workout but burns calories while eating! It's pure alien genius!  And so simple even a witless earthling can do it!

Here's how it works:
1. Set out your dinner.  For optimum weight loss the majority of the food should not be found in nature.  The more chemical byproducts the better.  Your meal should include at least two individual containers of Pringles.  We highly recommend an order of McDonald's nuggets and fries and a huge glob of ketchup.  Important - Do not accept substitute nuggets and fries!
2. Presentation is key and a nice table always contributes to a meal's success.  The R.A. suggests coloring your dish with crayons before and during eating. If the walls or flooring is offensive he also recommends coloring those too.
3. If you have a banana, make sure to clutch it as if engaged in arm wrestling.  Bananas are the stealthiest of tree fruits and if not securely gripped may attempt to escape.  Unfortunately gripping a banana can cause dents in the fruit which are extremely "unappeeling" (Oh, banana humor!  Ha! Ha!).  Rubbing the banana on the sides can remove dents.  Or make it fall apart which makes it inedible.  Yowl in indignation and continue yowling until your idiot servant removes the damaged banana from your sight.  It is recommended that you follow your servant because she is known to be lazy and will attempt to leave the banana on the kitchen counter wrapped in a paper towel instead of properly disposing it immediately into the trash.  Don't believe her pathetic excuses of  assisting your injured sibling - that kid has at least 8 pints of blood in her body.  Stopping the bleeding can wait two minutes.
4.  Once you have determined the table set up is to your liking, sit and take a bite of food.
5. Stand up. 
6. Take one step on the floor to your right.
7. Step up on the small plastic toy suitcase that is situated immediately to your right.
8. Step down off the plastic suitcase on the opposite side.
9. Step up on the plastic suitcase.
10. Step down off the plastic suitcase (in direction of food.)
11. Take a bite of food.
12. Flap hands.
13.Toe jump.
14.Yowl.
15. Repeat steps 5 through 14 for as many times as you feel like it or as many times as it takes to annoy those around you.

It is important to rest between sets.  During these rest periods disassemble wooden puzzles and arrange them precisely all over the floor.  Caterwaul at anyone who attempts to pick them up or has the audacity to sing the "Clean Up" song and make you pick them up.  Chin the offender if necessary.

If at any time during the meal-aerobics, you suddenly find the food on your dish abhorrent, it is acceptable to unceremoniously dump it on someone else's dish or in her cup, preferably a full cup.  Then flick your fingers in that person's face.  Do this while wearing an expression of disgust and make sure that person knows it is her fault.  Then loudly demand a replacement food, preferably something that is not in the house.  For maximum calorie burn do this while vigorously jumping up and down on your toes while energetically flapping.  For more aerobic activity run and fetch your doltish servant's purse.  This will also incorporate some strength training as the purse weighs at least 30 pounds as is evidenced by your servant's yell as you spike it on her foot. 

Next you will engage in more strength training as you purse wrestle with your servant as she attempts to put the purse back in its original spot which you will not allow.  Wrestle as if you are preparing for a caged fighting match.  Fight dirty.

Incorporate more aerobic activity by running to the light switch and turning it off.  Run back to your seat and toe jump.  Your servant will have the nerve to turn the light back on.  Yowling loudly and looking like a Barbarian at the gates of Rome, race back to the light switch and turn it off.  You and your servant will repeat this a minimum of six times.

Abandon the light switch and in an effort to build upper body strength,  swing on the railing to the staircase. Partake in more energetic wrestling as your servant foolishly attempts to wrangle you into your seat.  Fight dirty.  Toss your practically full dish on to the floor, food side down.  Important - the tossing of the dish signals the end of your workout so only do so if your workout is complete.

Don't forget to cool down after your workout.  Do this by following your servant around and caterwauling your dissatisfaction with the meal.  To stretch out your mouth chin her hands, alternating right hand and left hand.

And there you have it.  Bathing suit season is right around the corner, isn't it time you "aliened" up and got the slender figure you always wanted?