Like any despot worth his Pringles, the R.A. is a staunch advocate of physical fitness - in the quaint body punishing Soviet Union women's gymnastics team sort of way. In order to be prepared for the Invasion, he's got to keep himself in tip top shape. With this in mind he's always challenging himself physically and recently created a new workout regime. If you are losing the Battle of the Bulge, you might want to take notes.
The R.A. is also an incredible multi-tasker and has combined this workout with meal time. So not only does he get one heck of a workout but burns calories while eating! It's pure alien genius! And so simple even a witless earthling can do it!
Here's how it works:
1. Set out your dinner. For optimum weight loss the majority of the food should not be found in nature. The more chemical byproducts the better. Your meal should include at least two individual containers of Pringles. We highly recommend an order of McDonald's nuggets and fries and a huge glob of ketchup. Important - Do not accept substitute nuggets and fries!
2. Presentation is key and a nice table always contributes to a meal's success. The R.A. suggests coloring your dish with crayons before and during eating. If the walls or flooring is offensive he also recommends coloring those too.
3. If you have a banana, make sure to clutch it as if engaged in arm wrestling. Bananas are the stealthiest of tree fruits and if not securely gripped may attempt to escape. Unfortunately gripping a banana can cause dents in the fruit which are extremely "unappeeling" (Oh, banana humor! Ha! Ha!). Rubbing the banana on the sides can remove dents. Or make it fall apart which makes it inedible. Yowl in indignation and continue yowling until your idiot servant removes the damaged banana from your sight. It is recommended that you follow your servant because she is known to be lazy and will attempt to leave the banana on the kitchen counter wrapped in a paper towel instead of properly disposing it immediately into the trash. Don't believe her pathetic excuses of assisting your injured sibling - that kid has at least 8 pints of blood in her body. Stopping the bleeding can wait two minutes.
4. Once you have determined the table set up is to your liking, sit and take a bite of food.
5. Stand up.
6. Take one step on the floor to your right.
7. Step up on the small plastic toy suitcase that is situated immediately to your right.
8. Step down off the plastic suitcase on the opposite side.
9. Step up on the plastic suitcase.
10. Step down off the plastic suitcase (in direction of food.)
11. Take a bite of food.
12. Flap hands.
13.Toe jump.
14.Yowl.
15. Repeat steps 5 through 14 for as many times as you feel like it or as many times as it takes to annoy those around you.
It is important to rest between sets. During these rest periods disassemble wooden puzzles and arrange them precisely all over the floor. Caterwaul at anyone who attempts to pick them up or has the audacity to sing the "Clean Up" song and make you pick them up. Chin the offender if necessary.
If at any time during the meal-aerobics, you suddenly find the food on your dish abhorrent, it is acceptable to unceremoniously dump it on someone else's dish or in her cup, preferably a full cup. Then flick your fingers in that person's face. Do this while wearing an expression of disgust and make sure that person knows it is her fault. Then loudly demand a replacement food, preferably something that is not in the house. For maximum calorie burn do this while vigorously jumping up and down on your toes while energetically flapping. For more aerobic activity run and fetch your doltish servant's purse. This will also incorporate some strength training as the purse weighs at least 30 pounds as is evidenced by your servant's yell as you spike it on her foot.
Next you will engage in more strength training as you purse wrestle with your servant as she attempts to put the purse back in its original spot which you will not allow. Wrestle as if you are preparing for a caged fighting match. Fight dirty.
Incorporate more aerobic activity by running to the light switch and turning it off. Run back to your seat and toe jump. Your servant will have the nerve to turn the light back on. Yowling loudly and looking like a Barbarian at the gates of Rome, race back to the light switch and turn it off. You and your servant will repeat this a minimum of six times.
Abandon the light switch and in an effort to build upper body strength, swing on the railing to the staircase. Partake in more energetic wrestling as your servant foolishly attempts to wrangle you into your seat. Fight dirty. Toss your practically full dish on to the floor, food side down. Important - the tossing of the dish signals the end of your workout so only do so if your workout is complete.
Don't forget to cool down after your workout. Do this by following your servant around and caterwauling your dissatisfaction with the meal. To stretch out your mouth chin her hands, alternating right hand and left hand.
And there you have it. Bathing suit season is right around the corner, isn't it time you "aliened" up and got the slender figure you always wanted?
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