So what is it like having a child with autism?

So, what is it like having a child with autism?

I get this question a lot and actually like it when people ask. Unless a person has significant contact with someone on the spectrum he/she doesn't really understand what an autism driven world is about. Saying that, it isn't always easy to convey what having a child with autism is like. After much consideration, this is what I've come up with -

For me, having a child with autism is like living with an alien from another planet. I call him the "reluctant astronaut (R.A.)" because he really didn't want to come to earth, had absolutely no interest in this space mission. As a result, he didn't pay much attention at the briefings prior to the mission so doesn't know anything about Planet Earth - nothing about language, customs, or Earthling niceties in general. In fact, he is so disinterested in Earth that even though he was sent here, he has absolutely no desire to assimilate into Earth society. Meaning he still doesn't give a rat's ass about Earth mores.

That's also how I "explain" things he does that are pretty much unfathomable to me. For example - for a certain time period he liked to sit in the toilet. No, not on the toilet but in the toilet. I reasoned that on the home planet the toilet is a jacuzzi. Although eventually we managed to break him of this habit, the jacuzzi explanation popped again during potty training when the R.A. demonstrated not only an aversion to the toilet but would have all out nuttys when placed on one. He was probably thinking, "Poop in the jacuzzi? What is wrong with you people? Miscreants!" That's what he would say if he could speak English or any Earthing dialect.

For a time I was also convinced that not only was he a reluctant astronaut but was actually an alien cat that somehow ended up in a human body. It does make sense -

Cat

Has to everything his way

Reluctant Astronaut

Ditto

Cat

Don't touch me!

Reluctant Astronaut

Ditto

Cat

Doesn't speak human language

Reluctant Astronaut

Ditto

Cat

Doesn't wear clothes

Reluctant Astronaut

Ditto (Well, would if he had his way)

Of course I don't really believe my son to be a Reluctant Astronaut.

But sometimes it sure makes sense!

Disclaimer: Although I sometimes describe things about life with my R.A. in a humorous way, please understand that I am not laughing at him. He is my son and I love him very very much. I come from a family that had its share of challenges and I learned from a young age that laughter is powerful. A situation cannot completely hurt you if you are able to find humor and laugh at some parts of it. So that's what I do. And I don't use humor solely with the R.A. My daughter was born with a heart condition that required immediate surgery. (No, I don't make good babies. They come out broken.) She was whisked away by ambulance to the hospital in Boston. It was all unexpected and traumatic. A nice young intern came to speak with my husband and me and was re-assuring us that nothing we had done caused the baby's condition. The stress and sorrow were overwhelming. When the nice young intern concluded I turned to my husband and said, "See, I told you it wasn't from all that smack I did during my pregnancy." The intern froze and then let out this huge belly laugh. Was I appropriate? Probably not. But I had to do something to relieve the stress. Astronaut life is stressful so find the laughter where you can.
And as G.K. Chesterton said, "Humor can get through the keyhole when seriousness is still hammering at the door."

Friday, March 9, 2012

He..re...'sssss... Q-Quork 7!!!


The R.A. was up obscenely early this morning (2:30 AM - 6 AM.)  Fortunately it wasn't one of those "I am pulsating with a fury so strong that I have vomited not only all over myself but over everything in my room save for a 2 inch square area and a corner of one of my pillows."  He sounded like he was having a hell of a time for himself.  There was a lot of chatter and much laughter.  Either it was an alien cocktail party or he was broadcasting his talk show live from his room.

Here are excerpts from a translated transcript:

Intro. music

Announcer: It's Earth Bound and Down!  On tonight's/this morning's show - a ketchup jamboree with MzZlr-uG9; this week's "Earthlings Do the Dumbest Things Review;" vacation tips with 6~iiII<kw; and featuring musical guests the Tank Engine Twelve performing their smash hit, "Smash, Hit, Clang, Bang, Get Up You Lazy Inferior Earthlings the Sun Will Be Up in a Mere 5 Hours."  And now, here's your host, Q-Quork 7*!

R.A.: Hey, everybody!  Great to see you!  We do have a terrific show lined up for you.  Hey, Tinky Winky, how many earthlings does it take to spPPlit#$::uy?

Camera pans to the R.A.'s Teletubbie side kick who  shakes his head and shrugs.

R.A.: None!  They don't know how to spPPlit#$::uy!!!

Camera pans back to Tinky Winky who is shaking with laughter.  He wipes away the tears from his eyes with his purple paw.

R.A.: Okay, well we've got to take a quick break but when we come back we'll be joined by
MzZlr-uG9 who's going to share some tips about making great ketchup selections.  He promises that after you hear what he has to say you will only accept special ketchup imported from the U.K. - that's the United Kingdom not u6*?//1K5   K**3??!#!  I can't wait to hear what he has to say.  His last book, Maximize Your Yowling Potential really changed how I yowl.  Within the first week of trying his new yowling system I increased my caterwauling by at least 6 decibels.  It's going to be great so stay tuned!

Later in the show...
R.A.: Okay, so that's the deal with my sister's fish. [lots of canned laughter]
Pointing to a projected photo of his sister -
R.A.: That's my sister there. (He shakes his head)  I know other operatives have sisters.  Theirs seem to have more teeth.  My earth caregivers are really cheap.  No doubt they got some sort of deal on her because she had missing parts!  Oh no I didn't! (high fives Tinky Winky)

Later in the show...
R.A.: Believe it or not but summer will be here before we know it.  That means vacation time.  Coming up 6~iiII<kw will share invaluable tips about how to ruin a family vacation.  Let's face it, no matter how much of your special crap your earth caregivers pack, they still can't get it right.  Frankly, they are not bright enough.  They cannot replicate your home system, a system that took you years to perfect and years to train your astonishingly dim caregivers.  6~iiII<kw will teach us the best ways to spoil any vacation, everything from how to induce bronchitis to my personal favorite,  throwing up on demand, and much, much more.  It's really good stuff so don't go anywhere!

Later in the show...
R.A.: (giggling so hard he can hardly speak) Oh, Tinky Winky!  Your impersonation of what the Daddy Guy looks like after I head butt him in his man bits is almost as funny as the real thing.  It never gets old!
Well, folks, that wraps up things here.  Join us next time and we'll be talking to bNM*&7i(20>>?P:12 about her new book, 10 Things Earthlings Hate and How You Can Exploit That.  I can't wait!
Tank Engine Twelve, take us out of here, nice and loud!

Music out
*The R.A.'s name on the home planet.
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