As the R.A. is officially six in Earthling years, we now make him walk in the mall like a "regular" person. Despising anything that smacks of "just your average" Earthling, he resents it tremendously. I also think, in his mind, being in the stroller is akin to a Pharaoh being transported in his royal litter by his slaves.
After a bit of bitching and a dab of ire, we managed to coax the R.A. to get out of the car. I don't think it was so much our convincing argument that there are lollipops to be had in the mall but rather the annoying sing-song tones we used to communicate: "Lollipops! Lollipops in the maallll!" The R.A. was really trying to get away from us. He's not alone in that as family, friends, and complete strangers can attest.
Very slowly we made our way to his favorite spot in the mall - the Food Court. To demonstrate how caught up the R.A. gets in checking out all of the action, he inadvertently ate some Burger King french fries after which he did NOT immediately demand McD french fries. He also did not vomit in cruel retrobution at being served unacceptable french fries. The R.A. was too busy not only to eat but to complain or to be demanding. (Which is why my husband and I are big mall fans. I think if we could get away with it we would just hang out at the mall all the time like a pair of elderly tween parents lugging around our unruly offspring.) As the R.A. swiveled around in his chair attempting not to miss a minute of anything, I reconsidered his attraction to people watching. I don't think he was thinking: "Uggh! Just because they make it in that size doesn't mean you have to wear it!" I think it was more along the lines of: "Vaporize, vaporize, vaporize, enslave. Vaporize, vaporize, enslave, enslave." I propose what he is actually doing is taking an inventory.
The R.A.'s second favorite thing at the Food Court is the merry-go-round. Both my kids love it. Unfortunately I am a slow eater so it tends to fall on my husband to take the kids on the ride while I am stuck by myself eating
It's not the ride that my husband and I mind. It's the conclusion of the ride. The R.A. is a big fan of the ride itself but not a fan of getting off the ride when it's over. My husband usually has to pry the R.A.'s fingers off the merry-go-round horse's pole. On Sunday the R.A. was so intent on remaining that my husband claimed the R.A. was horizontal as he gripped the pole with both hands and attempted to use his own body for leverage. My husband said the R.A. looked like a human body flag. After a brief but rousing bout of "Greco Roman Alien Small Child" wrestling he managed to remove the R.A. from the ride. The R.A. was so distraught by the experience that he attempted to throw himself into a random stroller. Fortunately it was empty but my husband had to engage in yet another bout of "Greco Roman Alien Small Child" wrestling. The R.A. was furious and it's only due to another mercilessly awful chorus of "Lollipops! Lollipops!" that he grudgingly calmed down enough to allow us to half drag him out of the Food Court.
At the candy store the R.A. was still clearly resentful and demands not one but two lollipops. My husband actually initiates a spirited discussion with the R.A. about only having one lolly to which I hiss, "For Kitchen God's sake let the boy have another lolly!" I am painfully aware that our daughter still has yet to pick out her treat - the selection of which is a long and drawn out process. Let's just say she makes Hamlet look decisive.
Religion may be the opiate of the people but lollipops are the opiate of angry aliens. Once he was clutching a lolly in each paw, the R.A. was downright cheerful. He was happy to have the rare treat of two lollies but happier to know he had bested us. The R.A. is always happier when he has bested us. One would think he would be happy then pretty much all of the time as any reader of this blog would assume.
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