Anniversary Musings

178th Day of Skdlamvopekdmv a*m<>12pmaiod in the 3678th Year of Our Kitchen God

Annual Report to HQ

It has been 6 years since my assignment to this Kitchen God-forsaken planet.  I know my superiors hoped that in time I would adapt to Earth but honestly it is such a backward place that adaptation is impossible.  The only way I could do that is if I were to have a lobotomy - not that I am suggesting such a thing.  In that case I would still be several IQ points higher than my caregivers.

My superiors have requested that I review my accomplishments.  Unfortunately, as these Earthlings are such extremely lower life forms, getting anything done is a long, arduous and often thankless process, rarely yielding the desired results.  And they wonder at my frustrated bouts of self-hitting!  Some days my frustration is so pronounced I swear I'm going to implode.

After much thought here is what I have come up with:

• Despite my Herculean efforts at curbing this lazy habit, my caregivers still indulge in sleep, although granted, my efforts have severely cut down the hours they spend lolling around in bed.  The Daddy-Guy is crying less when his sleep is interrupted.  Thankfully he is starting to "man up."
• Mommy-Girl's greatest adversary is her stubbornness and insisting on access to electric lighting. I admit that since stepping up my training efforts the Mommy-Girl is slowly and painfully improving. Apparently she is also starting to "man up."  Her ability to dress in complete darkness is getting better and resulting in some very creative ensembles including mismatched footwear.  I have also made a point of never allowing her access to electric lights.  Now, even if she has a door closed (and locked) I will enter the room, shut off the lights, and then exit the room. I have learned that yowling in indignation prior to entering the room alerts her to my presence and she is then able to block the door with her body.  Now I move stealthily, like a jz%^vmm.*
• I can vomit at will.

Grudgingly I am starting to learn Earth language.  Mostly it is due to the efforts of the officers at my new Institute of Earth Acculturation.  Initially, as they are all quite aesthetically pleasing, I thought they would coo over my chubby cheeks and freckles and we would spend our days coloring and eating gummies, much like my last Institute of Earth Acculturation.  Much to my horror I discovered this not to be the case.  They monitor me constantly, demanding I do things as they direct, presenting awful consequences if I do not, such as ignoring my outbursts, making me sit in the "Chair of Solitude," and denying me access to crayons and Thomas toys. Those ladies won't get off my back. What is up with that?  As you can see, when faced with such horrific consequences and in the name of self preservation, I am slowly starting to utilize the primitive Earth language.  One plus is that the "Clueless Wonders" (a.k.a. my caregivers), finally understand most of my demands.

As it is my Earth birthday, the Dimwitted Duo attempted to engage me in Earthling birthday customs.  One strange practice is lighting a cake on fire and presenting it to the birthday person.  At first I did not understand and thought they were going to torture me with it so I ran like hell.  Adding to the torment they then started singing.  When they finally realized that I was not going near the flaming cake, Mommy-Girl blew out the candle.  Then they repeatedly tried to get me to eat the cake.  Not only did they try but Nana-Lady and that Pi-Person did as well.  This went on for at least a half hour before they accepted that I would not eat their damn cake.  I did hear the Mommy-Girl tell them to stop because I would only throw it on the floor.  I admit I was somewhat impressed that she understood how the situation would play out.  Historically they are not so swift on the uptake.  Well, it's only taken 6 years.

So another year of my mission begins.  Kitchen God only knows what is in store.  I pray He gives me strength to endure.

*a very stealthy creature on the home planet.