The Mouth of a Warrior

That my family is considered woefully wimpy by the R.A. is not news.  He has spent the better part of his mission here on earth attempting to get us to man up or rather "alien up." Occasionally the R.A. tries to lead by example.  He has been engaged in his current "alien-ing up" exercise since last week. Let's just say it has been painful for everyone involved, himself included.

The R.A. has been battling some sort of issue with his mouth.  As he refuses to communicate clearly in earth-speak, we don't know what the specific problem is.  What we have observed is that the R.A. is experiencing great discomfort when he eats.  This is evident by the yowling and crying that now accompanies feeding time which I'm pretty sure interprets into, "Holy (insert expletive here)!  My mouth is (insert expletive here) killing me!  Although you think staring at me with sappy expressions, attempting to hug me, and cooing is helping me, it's not!  Can either of you morons do something to end the agonizing pain?"  Then, because we are stupid, so stupid that it momentarily distracts him from the pain, in desperation the R.A. whimpers, "Boo boo mouth" and further reinforces it with a visual -  holding a tissue to his mouth while softly moaning.  He then shoots us a withering look that clearly says, "Get it now, idiots?"

My husband did take the R.A. to the dentist who, of course, doesn't see anything.  He guesses that the R.A. is teething.  Six year olds teethe you ask, in great surprise?  Yes, apparently they do as some molars come in about that age. ( I don't recall my daughter going through such a thing but then again, after she had her chest cracked open at 6 days old there really isn't anything else they can do to her that will ever be as bad, therefore her tolerance is pretty high. She is one tough broad.)  For most kids it is a mild discomfort.  As always the R.A. is an over-achiever so for him it's excruciating.

The foods that really seem to aggravate his condition are Pringles, Munchos, and ketchup.  Therefore we don't eat them, right?  WRONG!  Big, fat, tremendously, fantastically wrong!  No, we don't avoid them.  Instead those are the foods that we insist on eating.  We have tried to offer non salty or non acidic foods like bananas which he refuses, enraged that we would even deign offer them.  We've also tried to give him a Popsicle, thinking the cold would be soothing.  Unfortunately our earth logic leaves much to be desired and that offering was not only soundly rejected but accompanied by infuriated yowlings.  I've even tried hiding the pain-inducing foods but (no surprise) I was out maneuvered.

The R.A. will grab (albeit gingerly as it is not permitted to be broken) a chip, break a tiny piece off ( in the permitted fashion ), put it in his mouth and begin to chew.  Almost immediately he will begin to yowl and chin himself.  Depending on the level of pain, he may also chin anyone else in the room.  While still yowling, the R.A. will place another minuscule piece of chip in his mouth.  This will intensify the yowling and chinning.  But will he stop?  Absolutely not.  He is determined to show that chip who is boss - he will eat through the pain or die trying. "I will eat that chip if it's the last thing I do, so help me Kitchen God!"  The R.A. will rage through a few more chips before collapsing in a heap of fury and frustration, giving us a look that seems to say, "So there!" Obviously we're supposed to learn from his valiant example, never give up, no matter how much it hurts.  I wonder if he's aiming for some kind of medal of honor on the home planet.  That would explain a lot.