Did I Mention...

that when my daughter and I were on vacation in Disney we saw a spectrum family?  We shared a shuttle bus with them. There were three children.  The older girl was about eleven years old, non-verbal and very "stimmy" - physically and vocally.  She also must have been a "bolter" because her dad had her in a harness.  (Listen, don't judge the harness.  The minute you can keep track of a wily and Houdini-like ASD kid while negotiating throngs of Disney-crazed Brazilian teenagers, you can judge.)  There was also a boy about five years old that I would bet money was an "Aspie" (Asperger's Syndrome to you ASD neophytes).  I base this on the fact that he kept repeating something he read on the "Pirates of the Caribbean" poster that was in the shuttle - "Release the pirate in you."  "Release the pirate in you."  "Release the pirate in you." (I did appreciate that he mixed it up, putting the stress on different words each time he said the sentence.)  The youngest was a four year old girl who seemed to be representing the neurotypicals (Shout out, ya'll! - and you can because we won't be freaked out by the loud noise.)  Anyway, they made me feel on the one hand homesick for the R.A. and yet on the other gave me my ASD fix.  I was extremely impressed by the parents' guts to bring their ASD kids to Disney as it is a sensory land mine.  Good for them, I thought.  And then because I am fundamentally a stinker I thought:
Obviously they drove down to Disney because there's no way they could manage an airport and plane ride.

So much for an inspirational anecdote.  But then you knew that if you wanted inspiration to visit somebody's else's blog.  Real talk, people.  Here's some "real talk" inspiration:

When life gives you lemons

piss, bit#*, and moan about it until somebody finally gets

so sick and tired of it, he snatches them from you and

snaps, "All right, already!  I'll make you some

da*#ed lemonade!  Just shut it!"

Magical Autism World

The trip to Disney got my husband and I talking about how popular a park for families on the spectrum would be.  Families would love it and recent studies show that there are more families on the spectrum than neurotypical families.  Okay,  that last part is not true.  But our numbers are growing rapidly and there are enough of us that a "Magical Autism World" would be a HUGE money maker.  But then we started talking about logistics and realized it would not work because:

1. Everyone would require a special needs courtesy pass to cut the line.  Sure, the line for the rides would be horizontal but it would still be a line.  We would just be walking sideways in the line.  Impossible for our stroller or wheelchair bound friends.

2. The sensory issues would be a nightmare - the lights are too bright, the lights are too dim, the lights are the wrong shape, there are an even/odd number of lights; the noise is too loud, the noise is too muffled, the noise is not in the correct sequence; the seats are too hard, the seats are too soft, the seats are the wrong color, the seat smells bad; the ride is too fast, the ride is too slow, the ride is facing the wrong direction; the balloons are too big, the balloons are too small, the balloons are too scary and elicit sharp high pierced, never ending screams.

3. Just thinking about the concession stands makes me start twitching: the burger buns are the wrong kind, the soda is the wrong brand, the mustard is in the wrong packets, the straws are the wrong color, the napkins are white, the napkins are brown, the napkins are too thin, the napkins are too thick.  And don't even get me started on special diets!

4. I can't even consider roaming characters.  Those poor S.O.B.'s would require hazard pay.

To accommodate everyone's needs, the park would need to be quite large.  We basically would have to take over the state of Rhode Island and that would just be for the parking lot.  The park itself would take up the entire state of Connecticut.

So unfortunately, "Magical Autism World" will never be.  My husband and I did imagine what the R.A.'s own personal "MAW" would be like:

1. Most of the rides would consist of swings of various sizes and colors.

2. All souvenirs and game prizes would be Thomas the Tank Engine themed.  All areas involving souvenirs and prizes would have adequate space to arrange said souvenirs and prizes in the correct formations on the floor.

3. Food at the concession stand would consist of: purple Popsicless (and only purple -" I do know the difference between purple and red, thank you very much"), John Deere gummies (yes, oddly enough there is such a thing and of course it's pretty much one of the only three kinds the R.A. will eat and yes, the others are equally odd and equally hard to come by), Pringles in individual containers, medium sized bags of Munchos, Cheerios, raw baby carrots, Dum Dums, Wheat Thins, McDonald's french fries and McDonald's chicken nuggets.  The condiment section will consist of ketchup, ketchup and ketchup.  And for those who don't care for ketchup there will also be ketchup.  To wet one's whistle there will be a large selection of "Clifford the Big Red Dog" apple juice boxes to choose from - don't even think about sneaking in any "Clifford the Big Red Dog" apple/grape mixed juice boxes.

4. There will be no picnic tables to sit and eat at.  Instead, throughout the "R.A.'s Magical Autism World" there will be low tables on which to leave food items.  That way the R.A. can wander around the park and graze on his tasty tidbits - his preferred method of dining.

Now who wouldn't want to spend the day there?  What could be more relaxing?

The Most Magical Place in the World - Not

Gentle Men and Good Ladies:
I apologize for a such a lengthy absence and sincerely hope you both forgive me.  My daughter and I were on vacation in Florida because everyone knows mid-July is the best time to visit Orlando.  Correction - second best time.  The best time is hurricane season.

No, the R.A. did not accompany us on vacation.  He has not been on any overnight vacations since he was two years old.  Needless to say, although he enjoyed himself immensely on that trip, the rest of the family did not and we pretty much vowed never again.  To demonstrate how bad a trip it was, my husband and I, the loosey of gooseys, have not broken that vow.  Thus, I took my daughter to Disney and my husband "stay-cationed" at home with the R.A.

It was important to me for my daughter to have this special vacation.  When it comes to special needs families I think it is hardest for the siblings because the disability dominates so much of the family's life.  Nothing is done spontaneously.  All plans revolve around managing the special needs kid -  D-Day took less strategic planning (and I'll warrant less screaming and bloodshed.)  I bet my daughter doesn't know that when other families go out to dinner they do not hit McDonald's first.

My daughter had never been to Disney.  I was pretty confident that she wanted to go - every time a Disney commercial came on the TV she would turn to us and say wistfully, "Gee, I just know Disney World is great.  I wish we could go."  Although the R.A. thinks his parents are dumber than mud, we do understand subtleties.  We got her hints so off we went to the "Magic Kingdom."

Or as my daughter referred to it, "the Unmagical Kingdom." 

We hit the Magic Kingdom on our first day in Orlando.  It was about 95 degrees with 300% humidity, in other words, a typical summer day in Florida.  The Magic Kingdom was very crowded.  Apparently the entire country of Brazil relocates to Orlando for the summer.  You can't walk 5 paces without falling over a Brazilian.  I heard Portuguese more than I heard English.  In addition, the theme park is taken over by the "Stroller Mafia."  If you don't trip over an over-excited Brazilian teenager wearing mouse ears, you will be taken out by a double-wide stroller that is decorated with Mickey Mouse balloons.  This meant that the average wait for the popular rides was 3 hours.  No kidding.  And that's with the inappropriately named "Fast Past." 

Upon arrival at the "Unmagical Kingdom," my daughter was shocked to learn that we would have to wait in lines for the rides.  One of the "benefits" of having a special needs child is the special needs pass.  Many amusement parks offer passes that allow special needs kids, and often their families, to cut the lines.  My daughter hasn't waited in a line for a couple of years.  When she learned we would have to wait in lines with the rest of the "unwashed masses" she said, "I guess it might have been good to bring the R.A."

I actually found the whole Disney experience rather cult-like.  We had one of those all inclusive Disney packages that included hotel and transportation to all the Disney parks.  They saturate and indoctrinate their guests pretty thoroughly.  The shuttle buses played only Disney music that was heavily peppered with tips about visiting Disney parks as well as strongly urging guests to book their next Disney vacations before this one was even over.  They also isolate their guests from the rest of the world.  Since we relied on the shuttles, our movements were dictated by Disney - no running out to CVS or Wendy's.  This also meant that instead of paying $2 for a travel sized container of sunblock, you paid $5 at a park or at the hotel gift shop. 

At the hotel there was a cafeteria where they sold mugs for $14.  We were encouraged to purchase mugs as you could refill them for free at any Disney theme park.  This really stuck in my caw.  Okay, I'll pay outrageous prices for a cheeseburger because things are more expensive on vacation.  All right, I'll listen to the Disney soundtrack ad nauseum as we are at Disney.  But I draw the line at being coerced into my beverage choices.  The only things offered for fountain drinks were soda and I'm one of those quasi-Amishly strict parents that doesn't allow my kid to drink soda at every meal never mind that I don't.  I just couldn't bring myself to purchase the mugs.

But lots of people did and let me tell you, those mugs were a BIG THING.  We would see people lining up first thing in the morning for the various shuttles, clutching their mugs.  People would be wandering around the resorts and theme parks slurping from them.  In the cafeterias and parks, next to the soda fountains were sinks to rinse the mugs and you should have heard people clustered around that area - "Steve, did you rinse your mug?"  "Does Terry need her mugs rinsed?" (Doesn't that sound sort of risque?) "Give me your mug, I'll do yours while I do mine." (Made me raise my eyebrow when I heard that one.)  Mugs, mugs, mugs.  "Our leader, Uncle Walt, created the mug on the seventh day.  And it was good.  We worship at the soda fountain altar."

Once we jettisoned the Magic Kingdom and I accepted that I would pay more for our food and beverages on vacation than I did for our monthly utilities, we had quite a fun time.  We visited the other Disney theme parks which were far less crowded.  I don't think we ever waited more than 15 minutes for any ride and that was without the special needs pass. 

Disney World would definitely be an "unmagical" experience for the R.A.  Primarily because there aren't any McDonald's at Disney and that would surely make the R.A. say, "Happiest place on Earth my a#*."

I am Master of All that I Survey

and even that which I don't....

One of the R.A.'s favorite pastimes is climbing.  He's quite agile and  prefers to climb items not really intended for climbing such as window sills, counters, televisions, computer monitors, microwaves, high chairs, his sister's easel, his father's bureau. Stuff like that.  What's that?  You're suggesting we take him to a park where there is equipment meant for climbing?  What a super idea!  Why didn't we think of that?  Okay, All Star, before you start being all superior-ishy let me stop you there.  Despite popular opinion deeming us as two steps below stupid, we did take the R.A. to the park where, of course, he was terrified of the jungle gym.  We tried to coax him on to it.  Nope.  We showed him how to climb it.  Nope.  At one point my husband even attempted to put the R.A. on the equipment only to be rewarded with a spectacular freak out during which we hastily left the park after the other adults gave us filthy looks because we made our kid cry.

To recap - jungle gym out, unsafe items in the home in.

The R.A.'s favorite thing to climb is his father's bureau.  Once he hoists himself up he likes to sit in the top drawer (the sock drawer) and just ruminate on his life.  He can see the entire room from this perch.  It's one of the few moments when the R.A. is relatively still.  In addition to the sock drawer being his equivalent of a meditation tree house, the R.A. also uses it as a storage facility.  My husband has found a flashlight, a screwdriver, Dum Dum wrappers,and other various R.A. ephemera in his sock drawer.  The items are quite varied.  I think they may be part of his escape kit.

Despite being a gifted climber, the R.A. isn't so hot at getting himself down from spots, including the sock drawer.  Many times the R.A. ends up stranding himself in the dismount.  Once I found him hanging almost upside down, dangling by one leg which was caught in between two drawers.  He was furious not so much that I apparently took my own sweet time to rescue him but that the bureau didn't cooperate and trapped him.  I should also point out that when the R.A. is stranded he very rarely cries out.  (I won't tell you how long he has been stranded on certain occasions...)  Also interesting is that despite his long track record of becoming stranded, the R.A. still climbs only to end up stranded.  Unlike a "neuro-typical" child who would have such an experience once and then file it under "Heck No Never Again" the R.A. will keep at it and keep at as if this time it will be different and then be livid when it isn't.  "I don't understand it.  I did it exactly the same way that I did the 14 previous times and I still ended up stuck.  What gives?"  The R.A. must come from an extremely tenacious planet that doesn't have a grip on statistics or probability.

Eat, Papa, Eat!

Something quite interesting about the R.A. is that in many ways he is late to the party, meaning there will be activities that we have engaged in for years and one day he suddenly notices - "Hey, that is booma rooma interesting!  Is it something new?"  For example, recently the R.A. noticed that I put shoes on in the morning.  If he is in my bedroom while I am getting ready for work, he will cease what he is doing and watch, mesmerized as I put the shoes on.  And it's not like I even have totally cool shoes.

Tonight, like many nights, the R.A. was initially working through dinner (those Thomas trains and Thomas cards don't line themselves up on their own).  The rest of the family began eating their meals.  Surprisingly, the R.A. sat down next to my husband and watched intently while my husband ate his dinner.  The R.A.'s expression said, "What's this about? What are you doing?  What are those metal things that you are holding?  What's that stuff on the plate?  Is this something new for you?  How long have you been doing this?" My husband was thrilled because the R.A. was showing a keen interest in an Earth activity.  We do tend to encourage that sort of thing as typically  the R.A. is either dismissive or disdainful of any Earth endeavors.  My husband started to explain to the R.A. that this was his dinner and pointed out the food on the plate.  But then the R.A. started to become involved in the whole eating process.  The R.A.'s father offered him some food which the R.A. emphatically declined.  Instead the R.A. grabbed the fork and tried to direct it into my husband's mouth.  The R.A. then proceeded to direct his father's meal consumption.  The R.A. was not a fan of any of the vegetables or potatoes - the only thing the R.A. permitted his father to eat was the meat.  Then, what his father was eating wasn't the only important thing but how fast he was eating and according to the R.A. not nearly fast enough.  My husband barely got a piece of meat into his mouth when the R.A. was already focusing on spearing the next bit of meat.  It's like the R.A. was some sort of bizarre food drill Sergeant who clearly thought chewing was for pansies.  At one point the R.A. became most impatient with his father's lollygagging and clapped his hands at his father as if to say, "Pick up the pace, fella!"  Most incredible was that it was too fast even for my husband who pretty much inhales his food.  At one point my husband had a hard time catching his breath.

Then, just as quickly and surprisingly as it started, it stopped.  The R.A. hopped off the chair and went back to his Thomas work, demonstrating no interest in the rest of my husband's meal.  My husband was grateful to enjoy his indigestion in peace.  Tonight my husband's Facebook status is "Force Fed on the 4th of July."  None of his friends believe it.

I'm Still Your Biggest Fan

This past weekend, the object of the R.A.'s fascination, his uncle, was headed to Chicago (hey, it had been more than a week since he'd been on a trip - he was starting to exhibit symptoms of withdrawal).  Since "Captain Cosmopolitan" was keeping an eye on the R.A. for a bit while we toured the R.A.'s new school (or his new "indoctrination of Earth culture institute" as the R.A. no doubt will refer to it) he brought the R.A. up to his room while he packed for his trip.  The R.A. was delighted to spend more quality time with his uncle.  The R.A. ran right into the closet but as he must be feeling even more comfortable with his idol, he left the closet door open, spending the entire time keenly observing his uncle pack.  My brother said every time he looked in the R.A.'s direction, the R.A. was watching him.  Now the R.A. could have been intrigued by the whole business of packing because the R.A. has only done one overnight vacation in his entire life.  He might have been wondering what his uncle was doing.  On the other hand, the R.A. might simply find his uncle plain fascinating, therefore anything his uncle does warrants paying close attention.

Report to Home Planet
56th of Cryxzl, the year of Our Kitchen God 36,812
Surveillance of the "Uncle" Person
The U.P. continues to be of great interest.  This morning he spent a great deal of time moving random items from various sectors of his living quarters and putting them in a small bag.  We value the constant movement and re-organization of items and it appears the U.P. does too.  I recommend that when the invasion comes, we do not vaporize the U.P.  I am certain that he will prove very useful to us.

Stop Being All Amish!

Hey, the Reluctant Astronaut's Mom is now on Facebook!  Welcome to the 21st Century!  Of course I feel a little pissy about it as it is just one more thing I have to do.  Facebook us at The Reluctant Astronaut's Mom.

Speaking of Being in the Closet

I think the R.A. is a closet Canadian.  He was up today around 4 AM, full of vim and vitality, demonstrating his enthusiasm by LOUDLY jabbering and yowling and laughing and tossing Thomas trains for good measure.  The R.A. obviously wanted to get an early start on Canada Day and desiredthat  the rest of the family also wake up early and get in on the festivities.  Although I am one eighth Canadian (a branch of the family initially immigrated from Ireland to Quebec and then realized after about 5 generations that they didn't speak French, they up and moved to the U.S. of A) we don't celebrate Canada Day therefore we were reluctant to wake up at 4:30 AM.  Unfortunately the R.A. didn't pace himself and crapped out at about 6:30 AM.  Hopefully, between that rest time and an afternoon cat nap, he will be replenished enough to enjoy some rousing Canada Day festivities such as.......or like.......maybe they......  Okay, I don't know what they do for Canada Day.  I'm particularly thrown as I don't know know what Canadians do during their annual two weeks of warm weather, i.e. summer.  Frankly I assumed that without snow and ice the country shut down.  I was surprised to learn that their national holiday was celebrated in July.

All right.  I felt like a dope that despite my rich Canadian heritage I was ignorant about such an important event as Canada Day.  Being the consummate librarian, I researched it.  Apparently they celebrate Canada Day with parades, picnics, and fireworks - sounds vaguely familiar.  What does it remind me of?  Of course, Australia Day!

Well, I'd better get the R.A. ready to enjoy some raucous Canada Day activities.  I know he'll want to be oooot and aboooot.

Happy Canada Day, Eh!

P.S. My suspicions about the R.A. being a closet Canadian were just confirmed.  I walked by the R.A. and I sang out, "Oh, Canada!" and the barely verbal R.A. sweetly warbled, "Oh, Canada!" in perfect pitch.